in a dream.

Growing up I never considered myself a good writer. I always had my mom editing my papers … I will even admit to having sending some in college just because I just never felt comfortable writing. In the past year, I’ve felt better writing things out in a journal ..things that I was feeling at the time or things that I was going through …it just helps me get it down on paper. I was reading an article in forbes magazine today and came across this in the article…

To satisfy your inner need to get it down on paper.  It may be ego, it may be explanation, it may be just wanting to leave a record of your passing through this world of woe.  But I happen to think that writing a book to make a personal statement is a perfectly good idea for book writing.

I was actually looking into “how to write a book for non writers…” if that’s actually a thing. My whole blog ..( if that’s what you call it because i really just just started and I’m not consistent with these posts at all ! ) is about just writing .. well typing what i feel in the moment and not worrying about typos and editing .. run on sentences or whatever. This is in the moment …this is me this is what i do I babble! Sometimes I make sense and sometimes I just need to get out whatever it is i’m thinking in my head.

I had a dream the other night where i actually did write a book by turning all my journal entries into a book where it would help others see that they aren’t the only ones out there with weird health problems, or PTSD, or social anxieties, or struggling to make your start up creative business strive by being an introvert! There are so many topics that I just want to babble on about and just have so many things i want to say and i believe this is a good organized way to finally say all these ideas, maybe.

So this idea of writing a novel is a way for me to kind of sum of my life as it is right now as a 25 year old. I’m not looking to publish or anything … just kind of the satisfaction of saying i wrote a book … ? I don’t know I think it would be kind of cool! I have all this typed out entries over the past year of my thoughts and events that have happened that I feel like I’ve already started I just need to keep going….

I read all these “how to start.. blah blah blah articles” and honestly i don’t want to follow a mold. I want to write a book because I want to get my thoughts in an organized, brutally honest, emotional (quarter!)life experience novel.

I think i can do it … ! hah well we will see where this idea takes me! I mean why not.

I think there are 5 topics that really I am passionate about that I would want to talk about …. social situations / anxieties — mental health — health / disorders — military lifestyle — small business / entrepeneurship ..

I love setting new challeneges for myself and this one is by far a big one…but like i said I’m think as of right now its just for me to be able to say i did it 🙂

well that’s where i’m at right now ….

talk soon!

It just sucks plain and simple.

Depression that is. It really just does stink butt sometimes.

I consider myself an outgoing introvert. Yes I’m one of those who believes its really a thing. I’m outgoing at events, around people, I can handle myself in a social situation. But my true (not to say i’m being fake, just that I can’t handle being an extrovert for very long) nature is being an introvert.

I thrive off of alone time / my recharge time (and really just intimate relationships, and “intimate” doesn’t necessarily mean with my husband its with the people that are closest to me – shrink terminology i suppose). Its the people that i trust and truly admire.

My family has been affected by this disease for the past 15 years or so. I’ve seen things and witnessed discussions where sometimes I wish i never had known or seen. But it also makes me who I am today and how my family and I have grown from these life events.

I’ve always felt like I had “situational depression” or just “mild depression”. The other day I was sitting in my shrinks office doing an annual evaluation and she said something that kind of put me back. She just went over my diagnosis … anxiety – yeah ok, PTSD – yup got it, and major depression disorder .. this one i kind of paused on. Because I guess I’ve never really thought of myself in that category. I can’t be sure what she said exactly when I asked … but something to the effect of when you have depression its automatically in this category of major depression and under that there are sub categories..? or something like that. But really I was a little confused.

I mean I know I have days where I’m not motivated and hard to get up but I always knew my boundaries. I knew when to push myself to go out and meet new people, socialize with friends and family, I knew how to do this. So how come I have this major depression diagnosis.

Which then I find myself hypocritical somehow. It’s not like I’m refusing the disease or saying I don’t have these feelings…which i have a lot of the time especially recently. … I don’t know where I’m really going with this … but I guess I just feel like I’m doing all the “right things” and i still feel like i’m where I was 5/6 years ago when I started.

Now … when I start doing my CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) thinking here … I know I’ve made progress in certain areas and definitely have come a long way from where I started …. but its not where I want to be. I’m a type A gal that knows her expectations or wants desperately to meet them.

Long story short. Depression sucks. When you really think your trying so hard to beat it you end up being a hermit and closing off when you honestly don’t want to. That’s where I’m at right now.

I hope that in the next few days I can re gain the strength to push myself out of it — yet again.

It really is so exhausting!

❤

the uphill battle : migraines

Among many other people nationwide, I am included in the group of people who say they suffer from migraines. I was diagnosed when I was in high school. I was told I had tension, cluster, chronic headaches, and migraines.  Some days I literally am thinking of having a lobotomy done to my head they hurt so bad… and what do some people think? That we are making them up or taking a magic pill will help… oh just shake it off you’ll be fine if you go workout or try and forget about them. UM OK clearly you have never experienced a true migraine.

Yes there are these idiotic people that think medicine can’t cure anything, “its all in your head.” Well thank you sir … for enlightening me on a pain that I apparently imagined. Thank you so much.

This is a serious debilitating disease. Some universities are now including migraines as a disability. In fact, my university was I believe one of the first in their disability services to accept people who suffer with migraines. I had a migraine for a month straight in college… of course during exams. My teachers couldn’t understand or rather accept the fact that it was more than a headache or lack of trying to study for a test. I literally had to send the professor a picture of my prescription bottle with proof of my name and drug information saying I suffered from migraines. I couldn’t get out of bed and could barely move in my dark room, but I had to take the time to prove I wasn’t lying…. (that is another issue in itself).

People who suffer from migraines already have enough to deal with, the pain is quite enough, but the audacity for a professor, boss in work environments, and so on, to be able to say oh you’re fine you can tough it out get back to work.. is just horrible.

My own personal experience goes like this:

Starting out at a young age getting such migraines I’ve started to learn when they are coming on. I can feel it when I wake up in the morning whether or not I need to take my migraine medicine to prevent it from going to one — trying to catch it early is key.

It all started in college – I had already been hospitalized once or twice in high school for migraines but when I started getting them in college it was a different situation. When I was a sophomore i was still in classes with 200/300 others, for the basic core classes at least. All the other professors knew me well because my major was a small group. But unfortunately my professor among the other 200 students in a lecture hall had no idea what I was like as a person. So when I told her i literally couldn’t get out of bed and had a horrible migraine – they didn’t believe me. I needed all this proof within a certain period of time to make sure I didn’t fail that test.

On top of dealing with professors – friendships also suffered.

I made some of the best friends in college. But a lot of them didn’t last because of a major change and really a life change (another story in itself). Anyways, I experienced my first guilt of getting a migraine.

After saying no a few times, because I literally couldn’t move out of the dark room .. or I could have been in recovery mode (because by the way when you get a really bad migraine you don’t just get up the next day and run a marathon or go out drinking … your body has been in so much pain it’s exhausted… it needs a recovery day or two to get back in the swing of things).

This started to happen a lot and currently just started again. I feel like I’m making the pain up sometimes… i find myself bargaining my pain – like it’s not too terrible today i think i can drive 30 min for a dinner date with my girlfriend I haven’t seen in a while without passing out … ? No. not okay. I shouldn’t have to do that if a real friends knows the true pain of a migraine she or he would understand you aren’t being flaky you just literally can’t move a muscle without pain being inflicted on yourself.

Why is this so hard to understand? Sometimes well actually most of the time you need to put yourself first. No matter how harsh this lesson is to learn .. I learned it.. and this time in my life in college when I was going through a lot this being one of those situations… i learned i need to put my health before anything and anyone else. Plus you can’t be a good friend, you can’t take care of anyone else unless you are helping yourself and taking care of yourself first.

I mean what do we see when we get on a plane? A flight attendant always demonstrates the passenger has to make sure you put on your gas mask first and then help your neighbor …shouldn’t this be common sense??

Although not everyone experiences this pain of a migraine … I understand and would never wish a migraine on someone… but the people who are lucky enough to say they’ve never had one can’t understand what it’s like. I’m sorry but you can’t. You have no room to judge pain thresholds for others. It’s not fair and not right.

A true friend should stand by you and understand if you have to cancel a bunch of times, they should know you still love them and care about them but literally don’t have the energy to get up and put clothes on without feeling nauseous.

I know this is a rant and mainly venting session (I’m sure like a bunch of other posts I have wrote / will write in the future). But I don’t apologize, because if you’ve read this far you understand that seriousness of this disease. It’s real and we aren’t making it up.