in a dream.

Growing up I never considered myself a good writer. I always had my mom editing my papers … I will even admit to having sending some in college just because I just never felt comfortable writing. In the past year, I’ve felt better writing things out in a journal ..things that I was feeling at the time or things that I was going through …it just helps me get it down on paper. I was reading an article in forbes magazine today and came across this in the article…

To satisfy your inner need to get it down on paper.  It may be ego, it may be explanation, it may be just wanting to leave a record of your passing through this world of woe.  But I happen to think that writing a book to make a personal statement is a perfectly good idea for book writing.

I was actually looking into “how to write a book for non writers…” if that’s actually a thing. My whole blog ..( if that’s what you call it because i really just just started and I’m not consistent with these posts at all ! ) is about just writing .. well typing what i feel in the moment and not worrying about typos and editing .. run on sentences or whatever. This is in the moment …this is me this is what i do I babble! Sometimes I make sense and sometimes I just need to get out whatever it is i’m thinking in my head.

I had a dream the other night where i actually did write a book by turning all my journal entries into a book where it would help others see that they aren’t the only ones out there with weird health problems, or PTSD, or social anxieties, or struggling to make your start up creative business strive by being an introvert! There are so many topics that I just want to babble on about and just have so many things i want to say and i believe this is a good organized way to finally say all these ideas, maybe.

So this idea of writing a novel is a way for me to kind of sum of my life as it is right now as a 25 year old. I’m not looking to publish or anything … just kind of the satisfaction of saying i wrote a book … ? I don’t know I think it would be kind of cool! I have all this typed out entries over the past year of my thoughts and events that have happened that I feel like I’ve already started I just need to keep going….

I read all these “how to start.. blah blah blah articles” and honestly i don’t want to follow a mold. I want to write a book because I want to get my thoughts in an organized, brutally honest, emotional (quarter!)life experience novel.

I think i can do it … ! hah well we will see where this idea takes me! I mean why not.

I think there are 5 topics that really I am passionate about that I would want to talk about …. social situations / anxieties — mental health — health / disorders — military lifestyle — small business / entrepeneurship ..

I love setting new challeneges for myself and this one is by far a big one…but like i said I’m think as of right now its just for me to be able to say i did it 🙂

well that’s where i’m at right now ….

talk soon!

It just sucks plain and simple.

Depression that is. It really just does stink butt sometimes.

I consider myself an outgoing introvert. Yes I’m one of those who believes its really a thing. I’m outgoing at events, around people, I can handle myself in a social situation. But my true (not to say i’m being fake, just that I can’t handle being an extrovert for very long) nature is being an introvert.

I thrive off of alone time / my recharge time (and really just intimate relationships, and “intimate” doesn’t necessarily mean with my husband its with the people that are closest to me – shrink terminology i suppose). Its the people that i trust and truly admire.

My family has been affected by this disease for the past 15 years or so. I’ve seen things and witnessed discussions where sometimes I wish i never had known or seen. But it also makes me who I am today and how my family and I have grown from these life events.

I’ve always felt like I had “situational depression” or just “mild depression”. The other day I was sitting in my shrinks office doing an annual evaluation and she said something that kind of put me back. She just went over my diagnosis … anxiety – yeah ok, PTSD – yup got it, and major depression disorder .. this one i kind of paused on. Because I guess I’ve never really thought of myself in that category. I can’t be sure what she said exactly when I asked … but something to the effect of when you have depression its automatically in this category of major depression and under that there are sub categories..? or something like that. But really I was a little confused.

I mean I know I have days where I’m not motivated and hard to get up but I always knew my boundaries. I knew when to push myself to go out and meet new people, socialize with friends and family, I knew how to do this. So how come I have this major depression diagnosis.

Which then I find myself hypocritical somehow. It’s not like I’m refusing the disease or saying I don’t have these feelings…which i have a lot of the time especially recently. … I don’t know where I’m really going with this … but I guess I just feel like I’m doing all the “right things” and i still feel like i’m where I was 5/6 years ago when I started.

Now … when I start doing my CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) thinking here … I know I’ve made progress in certain areas and definitely have come a long way from where I started …. but its not where I want to be. I’m a type A gal that knows her expectations or wants desperately to meet them.

Long story short. Depression sucks. When you really think your trying so hard to beat it you end up being a hermit and closing off when you honestly don’t want to. That’s where I’m at right now.

I hope that in the next few days I can re gain the strength to push myself out of it — yet again.

It really is so exhausting!

❤