in a dream.

Growing up I never considered myself a good writer. I always had my mom editing my papers … I will even admit to having sending some in college just because I just never felt comfortable writing. In the past year, I’ve felt better writing things out in a journal ..things that I was feeling at the time or things that I was going through …it just helps me get it down on paper. I was reading an article in forbes magazine today and came across this in the article…

To satisfy your inner need to get it down on paper.  It may be ego, it may be explanation, it may be just wanting to leave a record of your passing through this world of woe.  But I happen to think that writing a book to make a personal statement is a perfectly good idea for book writing.

I was actually looking into “how to write a book for non writers…” if that’s actually a thing. My whole blog ..( if that’s what you call it because i really just just started and I’m not consistent with these posts at all ! ) is about just writing .. well typing what i feel in the moment and not worrying about typos and editing .. run on sentences or whatever. This is in the moment …this is me this is what i do I babble! Sometimes I make sense and sometimes I just need to get out whatever it is i’m thinking in my head.

I had a dream the other night where i actually did write a book by turning all my journal entries into a book where it would help others see that they aren’t the only ones out there with weird health problems, or PTSD, or social anxieties, or struggling to make your start up creative business strive by being an introvert! There are so many topics that I just want to babble on about and just have so many things i want to say and i believe this is a good organized way to finally say all these ideas, maybe.

So this idea of writing a novel is a way for me to kind of sum of my life as it is right now as a 25 year old. I’m not looking to publish or anything … just kind of the satisfaction of saying i wrote a book … ? I don’t know I think it would be kind of cool! I have all this typed out entries over the past year of my thoughts and events that have happened that I feel like I’ve already started I just need to keep going….

I read all these “how to start.. blah blah blah articles” and honestly i don’t want to follow a mold. I want to write a book because I want to get my thoughts in an organized, brutally honest, emotional (quarter!)life experience novel.

I think i can do it … ! hah well we will see where this idea takes me! I mean why not.

I think there are 5 topics that really I am passionate about that I would want to talk about …. social situations / anxieties — mental health — health / disorders — military lifestyle — small business / entrepeneurship ..

I love setting new challeneges for myself and this one is by far a big one…but like i said I’m think as of right now its just for me to be able to say i did it 🙂

well that’s where i’m at right now ….

talk soon!

It just sucks plain and simple.

Depression that is. It really just does stink butt sometimes.

I consider myself an outgoing introvert. Yes I’m one of those who believes its really a thing. I’m outgoing at events, around people, I can handle myself in a social situation. But my true (not to say i’m being fake, just that I can’t handle being an extrovert for very long) nature is being an introvert.

I thrive off of alone time / my recharge time (and really just intimate relationships, and “intimate” doesn’t necessarily mean with my husband its with the people that are closest to me – shrink terminology i suppose). Its the people that i trust and truly admire.

My family has been affected by this disease for the past 15 years or so. I’ve seen things and witnessed discussions where sometimes I wish i never had known or seen. But it also makes me who I am today and how my family and I have grown from these life events.

I’ve always felt like I had “situational depression” or just “mild depression”. The other day I was sitting in my shrinks office doing an annual evaluation and she said something that kind of put me back. She just went over my diagnosis … anxiety – yeah ok, PTSD – yup got it, and major depression disorder .. this one i kind of paused on. Because I guess I’ve never really thought of myself in that category. I can’t be sure what she said exactly when I asked … but something to the effect of when you have depression its automatically in this category of major depression and under that there are sub categories..? or something like that. But really I was a little confused.

I mean I know I have days where I’m not motivated and hard to get up but I always knew my boundaries. I knew when to push myself to go out and meet new people, socialize with friends and family, I knew how to do this. So how come I have this major depression diagnosis.

Which then I find myself hypocritical somehow. It’s not like I’m refusing the disease or saying I don’t have these feelings…which i have a lot of the time especially recently. … I don’t know where I’m really going with this … but I guess I just feel like I’m doing all the “right things” and i still feel like i’m where I was 5/6 years ago when I started.

Now … when I start doing my CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) thinking here … I know I’ve made progress in certain areas and definitely have come a long way from where I started …. but its not where I want to be. I’m a type A gal that knows her expectations or wants desperately to meet them.

Long story short. Depression sucks. When you really think your trying so hard to beat it you end up being a hermit and closing off when you honestly don’t want to. That’s where I’m at right now.

I hope that in the next few days I can re gain the strength to push myself out of it — yet again.

It really is so exhausting!

❤

Strength from Depression

What happens when you break a bone ? Well you would probably go to the doctor to get it checked out and then get treatment for it — if something was wrong right? yes. well to me this seems like a simple answer to this question. But what happens when you throw the phrase mental illness into that sentence. Does it change your answer?

I’ve been going to see a shrink for about 5/6 years now. At first I started going in college because it was part of our grade in our personal health class to go 3 times. Well I guess i liked it so much i just kept going back. This was a grad student trying to become a counselor or down the road a psychologist i assume. What I truly loved about it was that they listened to what you were saying. Yes they are being paid (or in my case at the time it was probably for a grade) to sit there and listen to you – regardless they took time out of their day to sit down with you to help you. They are completely biased – they aren’t in your day to day life so they gain this perspective where you could in no way see yourself. 

At first i started out with my shrink saying, i had something called seasonal depression. I’m sure I will get into my full diagnosis later on in this blog, but that story is for another time.

Seasonal depression is basically situational. It could be as simple as the weather changing from summer to fall to winter. The weather is gloomy so it affects your mood. Its funny because I’ve always said winter is actually my favorite season .. so every time i told someone that they were a little set a back. But it could also be just a situation in your live that has caused an immense amount of stress in your life.

Down the road I discovered that my seasonal / situational depression was probably more than that. I’ve always been that type A personality. I was involved in a lot in school, lots of groups, sports, got great grades and was lucky enough to be in multiple “friend groups”. (Which was a blessing and a curse at the same time — i’m sure a lot of you understand this?!).

Anyways, after about half a year going to see a grad student at college i then got referred to a real psychologist — shrink #2 that is. I was a little nervous because I had never done anything like this before. It was in an actually crisis center type place with bars on the windows … and it looked very intimating i’m not going to lie! But I tried to keep an open mind — just kept saying to myself that i was just going to vent and maybe things will get better! They have to listen — who doesn’t appreciate a little of that these days?!

I’m very sad for the people that can’t realize that this is just like a when you break your arm or leg. You go to the doctor to get treatment. That is what I did and am still doing — getting treated for something that isn’t working right.

Mental illness is a chemical imbalance in your brain. That’s it folks plain and simple.

Everyones story is different and I’m just simply telling you mine.

It is a daily struggle for me. Some days I feel absolutely fine ! but a day like today is when I stay inside my house with my pup and just try and get through it. I know tomorrow is a new day… and i know everything will be fine, but some days are just tough to get through. I know this is normal, for me. I know my boundaries of when i need to push myself to go out and get out of my comfort zone to talk and be social. But I also know being a hermit for a day or two is okay. I know it’s okay to be sad, but to recognize and understand everything isn’t coming to an end — its just my current mood and me being the “catastrophic thinker” as my shrink says.

CBT – I’m sure you’ve heard of it …. cognitive behavior therapy. Pretty much what every one of my shrinks make me go over and over. Taking a negative thought, rationalizing it into a realistic situation. It sounds very simple… but I’m telling you its way harder than it looks. You have to train to brain to think like this and work at it every day.

If you’ve ever had a panic attack you understand how scary they can be. Unfortunately you just have to let it run its course. You cry, assume the fetal position….idk whatever you need to do. There shouldn’t be judgement because its not about anyone else you just need to be able to get through it. At the end of the panic attack you have to think of why you had the panic attack in the first place – what I do is try and think of the reasons how it all started and try to see a positive (which yes still seems impossible sometimes — well a lot of the time)— What am I grateful for. Because there really are so many things to be grateful for.

Depression is an awful disease. I know first hand what its like to watch a brother go through an awful time in his life where he wanted to take his own life. My dad as well went through it twice.

Some days I don’t know where strength can come from when you and your family have been through something like this.

I just really wish people would start treating people with mental illnesses  with a little more respect. We are some of the toughest people – we’ve overcome a lot of battles in our lives. And these days its starting younger and younger and the support needs to be there for the next generation. They need to understand how to deal with it. 

I mean really don’t we all have a little crazy in us?? Be honest here people – don’t be afraid to put on applications, or doctor paperwork, job interviews.. be upfront that you have a mental illness. Be proud that you are surviving and able to fight the battle everyday. That is a strength not a weakness.

Although I have a lot more to say on this topic — I will end this with one of my favorite quotes that I truly stand by and live by.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

❤

Entitlement

The American Dream – us Americans all know what it’s like to actually have a dream and want to reach this accomplishment. At least we used to. 

When I went to Europe one of the first topics of conversation with a European was not about the “american dream” but entitlement. They said we think that we deserve everything without working hard for it .. well basically said it like that.

Wasn’t our country founded on hard work of men and women alike?

I’ve heard phrases called … “the entitlement generation”. My husband brings this up a lot .. saying we baby our kids these days. We give everyone a trophy – everyone wins. Which in one respect I understand because i would never want to make a child sad or upset. What my husband say’s is true also – you don’t want to make them think they don’t have to work at all and no matter what they still “win”.

I think this is a definite problem for sure.

And I’m not sure where I’m really going with this entry … because I’ve had this topic of entitlement in my head along with a few other thoughts.

What do we really deserve in our lifetime? Even when you have dreams and you work hard for them what if they just don’t ever happen? what then? you make new dreams or you change a little bit and everything is ok? Or is it not because you wanted your original dream and therefore aren’t really happy you are just waiting for it to start.

Or is it okay to change your dream or really not have any idea what your current dream is?

Well that’s where I am … no idea what I want – no absolutely freakin clue.

Is that alright?

Sure I have passions – I go off on these passionate, elegant, transcendence thoughts… but where do they lead me and everyone else for that matter ?

I feel like those expectations in my head are going to combust. Well I guess that’s what my migraines are for … ha

Some days I think to myself … I’m so content with my life. I am so lucky to have found my best friend my soul mate and someone whom I cannot live without. I have a dog who is loyal and loves us and comforts me when my husband is gone. I really do try and love the little things in life.

But do I give up ? I mean I’m sure I could find a minimum wage job working at a store or a local restaurant .. .but why do I erase that from my mind. I don’t want crappy hours, I don’t want a boss and I want to have my weekends and nights with my family because I gave up to be with him and start a life with him. I have jobs here and there .. life of a start up company and subcontractor … but its what I love to do. Is that being selfish?

This is why entitlement comes into my head …. I feel like since I earned my bachelors I should get a good decent paying somewhat passionate job. Is that hard to ask for? I worked my butt of in college figuring out what I wanted to do and then I got a dream job – was that it for a career in the arts? Or is that too easy. My parents paid for my car, tuition, food etc. basically everything that was too expensive they paid for it and now sometimes I feel like I’m latching onto my husband. Although yes he is my husband and we are a team – just feel weird still…am i becoming that “dependent” — that term that i absolutely hate. 

I should be sooo happy.. which i am..and thankful that I’m being taken care of. I just thought all this time I was independent…. was I really ?

Yes I’m okay on my own .. for a while. I’ve always said I know when to go outside or push myself out of my comfort zone…. tonight I had that feeling …and I didn’t push myself … is that a bad sign? 

I just would like to find that passion again. or find a new passion! just something to help with the long days. Feel that motivation.

At the end of the day I’m so thankful for everything that my parents have done for me / have provided for me. I’m so thankful for an amazing husband that lets me pursue my dreams, but doesn’t let me settle. He gives me the courage to go after what i want in return I respect and pride myself on what he does for a living. His sacrifice gives me the need/want to go after and continue striving for my passions and values. Lastly, I’m thankful for this country and people fighting for our freedom. Because without them we wouldn’t be sitting here pondering these thoughts in the first place.

the uphill battle : migraines

Among many other people nationwide, I am included in the group of people who say they suffer from migraines. I was diagnosed when I was in high school. I was told I had tension, cluster, chronic headaches, and migraines.  Some days I literally am thinking of having a lobotomy done to my head they hurt so bad… and what do some people think? That we are making them up or taking a magic pill will help… oh just shake it off you’ll be fine if you go workout or try and forget about them. UM OK clearly you have never experienced a true migraine.

Yes there are these idiotic people that think medicine can’t cure anything, “its all in your head.” Well thank you sir … for enlightening me on a pain that I apparently imagined. Thank you so much.

This is a serious debilitating disease. Some universities are now including migraines as a disability. In fact, my university was I believe one of the first in their disability services to accept people who suffer with migraines. I had a migraine for a month straight in college… of course during exams. My teachers couldn’t understand or rather accept the fact that it was more than a headache or lack of trying to study for a test. I literally had to send the professor a picture of my prescription bottle with proof of my name and drug information saying I suffered from migraines. I couldn’t get out of bed and could barely move in my dark room, but I had to take the time to prove I wasn’t lying…. (that is another issue in itself).

People who suffer from migraines already have enough to deal with, the pain is quite enough, but the audacity for a professor, boss in work environments, and so on, to be able to say oh you’re fine you can tough it out get back to work.. is just horrible.

My own personal experience goes like this:

Starting out at a young age getting such migraines I’ve started to learn when they are coming on. I can feel it when I wake up in the morning whether or not I need to take my migraine medicine to prevent it from going to one — trying to catch it early is key.

It all started in college – I had already been hospitalized once or twice in high school for migraines but when I started getting them in college it was a different situation. When I was a sophomore i was still in classes with 200/300 others, for the basic core classes at least. All the other professors knew me well because my major was a small group. But unfortunately my professor among the other 200 students in a lecture hall had no idea what I was like as a person. So when I told her i literally couldn’t get out of bed and had a horrible migraine – they didn’t believe me. I needed all this proof within a certain period of time to make sure I didn’t fail that test.

On top of dealing with professors – friendships also suffered.

I made some of the best friends in college. But a lot of them didn’t last because of a major change and really a life change (another story in itself). Anyways, I experienced my first guilt of getting a migraine.

After saying no a few times, because I literally couldn’t move out of the dark room .. or I could have been in recovery mode (because by the way when you get a really bad migraine you don’t just get up the next day and run a marathon or go out drinking … your body has been in so much pain it’s exhausted… it needs a recovery day or two to get back in the swing of things).

This started to happen a lot and currently just started again. I feel like I’m making the pain up sometimes… i find myself bargaining my pain – like it’s not too terrible today i think i can drive 30 min for a dinner date with my girlfriend I haven’t seen in a while without passing out … ? No. not okay. I shouldn’t have to do that if a real friends knows the true pain of a migraine she or he would understand you aren’t being flaky you just literally can’t move a muscle without pain being inflicted on yourself.

Why is this so hard to understand? Sometimes well actually most of the time you need to put yourself first. No matter how harsh this lesson is to learn .. I learned it.. and this time in my life in college when I was going through a lot this being one of those situations… i learned i need to put my health before anything and anyone else. Plus you can’t be a good friend, you can’t take care of anyone else unless you are helping yourself and taking care of yourself first.

I mean what do we see when we get on a plane? A flight attendant always demonstrates the passenger has to make sure you put on your gas mask first and then help your neighbor …shouldn’t this be common sense??

Although not everyone experiences this pain of a migraine … I understand and would never wish a migraine on someone… but the people who are lucky enough to say they’ve never had one can’t understand what it’s like. I’m sorry but you can’t. You have no room to judge pain thresholds for others. It’s not fair and not right.

A true friend should stand by you and understand if you have to cancel a bunch of times, they should know you still love them and care about them but literally don’t have the energy to get up and put clothes on without feeling nauseous.

I know this is a rant and mainly venting session (I’m sure like a bunch of other posts I have wrote / will write in the future). But I don’t apologize, because if you’ve read this far you understand that seriousness of this disease. It’s real and we aren’t making it up.

behind the silence

I’m a military spouse – a wife, a dog mom, an entrepreneur, a business owner, a creative, an independent thinker and I still feel out of control of my own life sometimes, today is one of those days.

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My husband has been gone for almost 3 months on his first deployment . I told myself I can do this – I know these months won’t be a piece of cake but I lived on my own for 2 years – I’m independent. I’ve had those “holy shit moments” of having no one around me. I’ve had to take care of myself and figure tough situations out on my own. I can do this.

I’ve heard from other military spouses that the first few months you do feel this way. You find a routine, work out, start up an awesome dieting plan so that when your hubby comes home you’re looking great. After these few months have passed you get in the “I’m in a rut” type mood. Yup i’ve hit that point.

It’s Easter – a holiday I don’t normally celebrate unless I’m with family. It’s just my pup and I today. I’m not religious so I don’t go to church and don’t share a lot of the same beliefs as my friends around me. I respect what they believe in but I hope they respect my beliefs as well. But anyways I’m sure i’ll run with that tangent later. It’s Easter, and again not religious – but why do I feel so down? I guess it’s just yet another holiday that I’m missing with my husband. It doesn’t matter what it is really, it could be the silliest of holidays but it’s just another time stamp passing by of the days we are spending apart.

This day has seemed like it has lasted forever. Granted I’m not sleeping very well and have been having terrible migraines. So the past few days I’ve been in and out of bed and when this happens I think. Being in a quiet, dark room for those long hours when I can’t sleep, in pain … just not good. I miss him – my dog even whines for him.

Holidays are for family and I love celebrating them with family. Although my family isn’t here – while you’re probably at home with yours. That’s my sacrifice and I understand this. But I’m allowed to feel sad and feel depressed. People shouldn’t be allowed to judge the way we live our day to day lives. Our husbands and wives are out there fighting for your freedom to be able to go out and enjoy these holidays together peacefully.

Of course I’m happy for these families that get to spend all these holidays together. I would never wish anyone to be apart from their loved ones.

I just wish for an understanding.

I’ve now learned there is a bond between spouses. It doesn’t matter if you have 5 kids, been in for 20 years, PCSed about 8 times or just starting out with no kids and just you and the pup. It’s the same emotional distress. The same roller coaster of events, putting the military in front of everything, everyone even yourself. You didn’t exactly sign up for this obstacle, but you decided you would when you made the commitment to be with your significant other. I’m proud to say my husband fights for our country and would stand by him through anything.

The point of my blog is to write freely and emotionally. I don’t check grammar – or make sure I’m writing in complete sentences. I don’t expect to be right all the time, because I’m not – no one is. I write then think later – and yes it’s a giant garbled mess sometimes. I may contradict myself  .. it happens and like I said I don’t always make sense. I write, not as a hobby or a job but as a person just wanting to get her emotions out. There are a lot of moments where I sit in silence but my head is loud and filled with outspoken thoughts. This is why I write, because I need to purge my own thoughts. I don’t write for social media, to get noticed or to gain a bigger following. I write for myself and if it helps someone else know that they aren’t alone then thats an even bigger plus.