behind the silence

I’m a military spouse – a wife, a dog mom, an entrepreneur, a business owner, a creative, an independent thinker and I still feel out of control of my own life sometimes, today is one of those days.

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My husband has been gone for almost 3 months on his first deployment . I told myself I can do this – I know these months won’t be a piece of cake but I lived on my own for 2 years – I’m independent. I’ve had those “holy shit moments” of having no one around me. I’ve had to take care of myself and figure tough situations out on my own. I can do this.

I’ve heard from other military spouses that the first few months you do feel this way. You find a routine, work out, start up an awesome dieting plan so that when your hubby comes home you’re looking great. After these few months have passed you get in the “I’m in a rut” type mood. Yup i’ve hit that point.

It’s Easter – a holiday I don’t normally celebrate unless I’m with family. It’s just my pup and I today. I’m not religious so I don’t go to church and don’t share a lot of the same beliefs as my friends around me. I respect what they believe in but I hope they respect my beliefs as well. But anyways I’m sure i’ll run with that tangent later. It’s Easter, and again not religious – but why do I feel so down? I guess it’s just yet another holiday that I’m missing with my husband. It doesn’t matter what it is really, it could be the silliest of holidays but it’s just another time stamp passing by of the days we are spending apart.

This day has seemed like it has lasted forever. Granted I’m not sleeping very well and have been having terrible migraines. So the past few days I’ve been in and out of bed and when this happens I think. Being in a quiet, dark room for those long hours when I can’t sleep, in pain … just not good. I miss him – my dog even whines for him.

Holidays are for family and I love celebrating them with family. Although my family isn’t here – while you’re probably at home with yours. That’s my sacrifice and I understand this. But I’m allowed to feel sad and feel depressed. People shouldn’t be allowed to judge the way we live our day to day lives. Our husbands and wives are out there fighting for your freedom to be able to go out and enjoy these holidays together peacefully.

Of course I’m happy for these families that get to spend all these holidays together. I would never wish anyone to be apart from their loved ones.

I just wish for an understanding.

I’ve now learned there is a bond between spouses. It doesn’t matter if you have 5 kids, been in for 20 years, PCSed about 8 times or just starting out with no kids and just you and the pup. It’s the same emotional distress. The same roller coaster of events, putting the military in front of everything, everyone even yourself. You didn’t exactly sign up for this obstacle, but you decided you would when you made the commitment to be with your significant other. I’m proud to say my husband fights for our country and would stand by him through anything.

The point of my blog is to write freely and emotionally. I don’t check grammar – or make sure I’m writing in complete sentences. I don’t expect to be right all the time, because I’m not – no one is. I write then think later – and yes it’s a giant garbled mess sometimes. I may contradict myself  .. it happens and like I said I don’t always make sense. I write, not as a hobby or a job but as a person just wanting to get her emotions out. There are a lot of moments where I sit in silence but my head is loud and filled with outspoken thoughts. This is why I write, because I need to purge my own thoughts. I don’t write for social media, to get noticed or to gain a bigger following. I write for myself and if it helps someone else know that they aren’t alone then thats an even bigger plus.